Hello again, It’s Dr. Fei. I want to talk to you today about something that I have struggled with for most of my life: perfectionism and anxiety. And if you’re reading this, chances are you may have struggled with it too.
Growing up, I was a straight-A student, involved in extracurricular activities, and always striving to be the best. I had this idea that I had to be perfect in everything I did, or else I was a failure. This type of thinking caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety, and I felt like I was never good enough. Even when I achieved something, I felt like it wasn’t enough, and I had to keep pushing myself to do better.
It wasn’t until I went to college that I started to realize the toll that this type of thinking was taking on me. I would stay up late into the night studying, and even then, I would second-guess myself and worry about whether I had done well enough. I was always anxious and felt like I couldn’t enjoy anything because I was so worried about the next thing I had to do.
Over time, I began to learn that my perfectionism was not serving me. It was causing me more stress and anxiety than it was helping me achieve my goals. I learned to let go of the idea that everything had to be perfect and started focusing on doing my best and being kind to myself in the process.
Perfectionism and anxiety often go hand in hand. When we strive for perfection, we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, and when we inevitably fall short, we feel anxious and stressed. We may worry about what others think of us and fear that they will see us as a failure if we don’t meet our expectations. This type of thinking can be paralyzing, making it hard to take risks or try new things for fear of not measuring up.
For me, my perfectionism was rooted in my need for control. I felt like if I could control every aspect of my life, I could avoid feeling anxious or uncertain. But the truth is, we can’t control everything, and trying to do so only leads to more anxiety and stress.
But here’s the thing: perfectionism is not a sustainable way to live. It’s not healthy, and it’s not realistic. It’s a trap that keeps us stuck, chasing an unattainable goal that will always be just out of reach. And the more we chase it, the more anxious we become.
I know this all too well because I am a recovering perfectionist. For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with anxiety and a deep sense of inadequacy. I always felt like I had to be perfect in order to be worthy of love and respect. And for a long time, I thought that striving for perfection was the only way to achieve that.
I pushed myself relentlessly, always trying to do more, be more, achieve more. But no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. I was never satisfied with my accomplishments, always convinced that I could do better. And the more I pushed myself, the more anxious I became.
It wasn’t until I discovered the work of Brené Brown that I began to understand the true nature of perfectionism and its connection to anxiety. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown defines perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
That sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that my pursuit of perfection wasn’t about excellence or achievement; it was about avoiding the discomfort of vulnerability and the fear of not being enough. It was a way to protect myself from the pain of rejection and failure.
But as Brown points out, perfectionism is a trap. It’s a never-ending cycle of self-criticism and self-doubt that can never be satisfied. The more we strive for perfection, the more anxious we become, and the less likely we are to take risks and pursue our dreams.
The lie we tell ourselves is: “If I look perfect, live perfectly,
and do everything perfectly, I will be loved.”
So what’s the solution? How can we overcome the trap of perfectionism and the anxiety that comes with it?
The first step is to recognize that perfectionism is a defense mechanism. It’s a way to protect ourselves from the pain of vulnerability and rejection. But as Brown says, “vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” We can’t truly grow and thrive if we’re constantly trying to protect ourselves from the discomfort of vulnerability.
The second step is to let go of the myth of perfection. We need to recognize that perfection is an illusion, and that striving for it is a recipe for anxiety and burnout. Instead, we need to focus on progress, not perfection. We need to celebrate our successes, no matter how small, and learn from our failures. We need to be kind to ourselves and recognize that we are all imperfect, and that’s okay.
The third step is to practice self-compassion. We need to treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and understanding that we would offer to a good friend. We need to be gentle with ourselves, and recognize that we are doing the best we can with the resources we have.
Now, how do we apply these principles in everyday life to make a real change? I’m also going to share with you what helped me personally:
One of the most significant things that helped me overcome my perfectionism and anxiety was learning to live in the present moment. I used to spend so much time worrying about the future or regretting the past that I forgot to enjoy the present moment. Learning to be mindful and present helped me to let go of my need for control and focus on what was happening right in front of me.
Another thing that helped me was learning to set realistic goals and expectations for myself. Instead of striving for perfection, I learned to aim for excellence and to be kind to myself when I fell short. I began to celebrate my successes, no matter how small, and learned to see failures as opportunities for growth and learning.
But perhaps the most important thing that helped me was learning to be vulnerable and share my struggles with others. For a long time, I felt like I had to have everything together, and I couldn’t let anyone see my flaws or weaknesses. But when I started to share my struggles with others, I realized that I wasn’t alone. So many other people struggled with the same things that I did, and by opening up, I was able to find support and encouragement.
It can be scary to be vulnerable, but it is also incredibly liberating. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and share our struggles, we allow others to see us as we truly are, flaws and all. We can form deeper connections with others and find comfort in the fact that we are not alone in our struggles.
As someone who has struggled with perfectionism and anxiety for most of my life, I know that these steps are not easy. It’s a constant battle to let go of the need to be perfect and embrace the messy, imperfect reality of life. But I also know that it’s worth it.
When we let go of perfectionism, we open ourselves up to a world of possibility. We become more creative, more innovative, more resilient. We become more connected to others, more empathetic, more compassionate. And we become more fulfilled, more joyful, more alive. I invite you to join in this self-discovery journey with me, and let’s start today!