Hello, I am Dr. Fei, and I would like to welcome you to my psychoeducation blog. Here, we delve into various topics related to mental health and wellbeing. Firstly, I want to recognize and commend your courage in beginning this journey of self-discovery and healing. It takes great bravery to confront our challenges and actively seek out support, and I am honored to have the chance to provide you with some insights and resources that may be of help.
Before we dive into this topic, I want to empower your sense of personal agency by offering a little disclaimer. What we’re about to discuss may not be easy, and these ideas may be new, unfamiliar, or even triggering for you. If you notice strong emotions, feel triggered, or feel stuck while reading this article, I highly recommend seeking support from a therapist.
Unspoken Wounds from the Past
As a therapist, I often see clients struggling to acknowledge their parents’ role in their childhood trauma. It’s a common pattern for people to resist holding their parents accountable, or even to defend their parents’ behavior when exploring the roots of their emotional pain. It’s understandable why this happens – after all, our parents are the ones who raised us and provided for us. We may feel guilty or disloyal for blaming them for our problems. But as difficult as it may be, it’s important to explore the role our parents played in our lives, and to acknowledge the hurt and anger we may feel towards them. Only then can we begin to understand and heal from our past wounds.
As we grow up, our parents and caregivers shape us in more ways than we can imagine. Our beliefs, values, and behaviors are heavily influenced by our upbringing, so it is logical to hold our parents accountable for the things that went wrong. However, blaming our parents can be a taboo subject. We’re told to forgive and forget, to move on and take responsibility for our own lives. But what if I told you that it’s okay to blame your parents? In fact, it might be the first step of our healing process.
Acknowledging our feelings of hurt and anger is an important first step in exploring our upbringing experiences. It’s easy to downplay our negative experiences and bury them deep down, but this only leads to further emotional turmoil. By “blaming” our parents, we’re giving ourselves permission to acknowledge the pain that we’ve carried for so long. It’s an act of self-care and self-compassion to allow ourselves to feel angry, hurt, or disappointed. After all, our parents are human, and they’re bound to make mistakes. It’s not our job to absolve them of their mistakes or sweep our feelings under the rug. We cannot afford caring those past wounds and family secrets all on our shoulder and walk in the darkness alone. Not any more.
Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside
in the absence of an empathetic witness.
Transgenerational Trauma
“Blaming” our parents also serves as a reminder that we don’t have to take up the burden for the whole family. There is a thing called transgenerational trauma. Transgenerational trauma is a phenomenon where the effects of trauma are passed down from one generation to the next. It occurs when the traumatic experiences of one generation are not acknowledged or processed, and the trauma is allowed to fester and continue to impact subsequent generations. Without intervention and healing, the pain and dysfunction caused by transgenerational trauma can continue to be passed down from one generation to the next, creating a cycle of trauma that can be difficult to break.
For example, let’s say that Jane’s mother grew up in poverty and was constantly anxious about money. As a result, Jane’s mother developed a frugal lifestyle and instilled this value in Jane from a young age. Jane also grew up feeling anxious about money and became very frugal herself, even when she didn’t necessarily need to be. Without realizing it, Jane was carrying on her mother’s anxiety about money, and risks perpetuating this pattern in her own future relationships and possibly passing it down to her own children.
Transgenerational trauma can be very complex. and it’s not fair to hold ourselves accountable for things that were out of our control, and it’s not our job to fix what our parents may have broken. By “blaming” our parents, what we are really doing is giving back their own “unfinished business”, and we’re freeing ourselves from the weight of the pas.
Of course, blaming our parents isn’t a final destination. It’s just the first step in understanding ourselves and our past. Once we acknowledge our feelings, we can begin to understand where our parents were coming from and why they did the things they did. It’s important to note that understanding doesn’t mean excusing or justifying their actions. It simply means gaining insight into our past and coming to terms with it.
Making Peace
The final destination is holding both: acknowledging our past wounds while making peace with it so we can move on with our own lives. We can’t change the past, but we can change how we relate to it. If we can give voices to the unspoken wounds in the past, put down the burdens that never belonged to us, and stop the denial in our generation, we are then creating space for forgiveness and compassion, both for ourselves and for our parents.
If you are experiencing anxiety, depression, anger, low self-esteem, or relationship difficulty related to upbringing experiences, I highly recommend you seek support from a mental health professional. In-depth psychology, or psychodynamic approach, is a type of therapy that focuses on exploring unconscious thoughts, feelings, and memories that may be contributing to present-day issues. This type of therapy recognizes that childhood experiences can have a significant impact on our adult lives, and seeks to understand and heal those experiences. By working through these past experiences in therapy, people can gain a deeper understanding of their own emotions and behaviors, and can learn new coping skills to manage difficult emotions. Additionally, therapy can provide a safe and supportive space for individuals to process and heal from childhood trauma, allowing them to move forward in their lives with greater emotional well-being and a stronger sense of self.
*Disclaimer: The characters mentioned in this post are fictional and created solely for educational purposes. While their experiences may be relatable to some readers, they are not meant to represent any specific individuals or situations. No confidential or personal information is disclosed. The information provided in this post is intended to be educational and not a substitute for professional advice or treatment.
If you find yourself struggling with these issues and they have a negative impact on your life, it may be time to seek professional help in a supportive and safe environment. Please feel free to contact Dr. Fei Yi at drfeiyi@silkroadpsychology.com for more information about individual therapy.