Let’s talk about boundaries today. You might be wondering what exactly a boundary is. In simple terms, it’s all about setting rules and guidelines for how others treat you. It’s about protecting your emotional and mental well-being, your energy. And let’s be real, boundaries can be tough to set – especially if you’re used to over-extending yourself or feeling responsible for everyone and everything.
But let’s take a step back and understand why boundaries can be so difficult. They’re closely tied to our self-image and how we view our relationships – including our relationship with ourselves. So if there’s any confusion or unresolved issues there, boundaries can be a real challenge.
So, what does setting a boundary actually look like? Well, first things first, it means learning to say no. You’re not a superhero, you can’t save the world by yourself. And that’s okay! Letting go of that pressure to be perfect for others can be a huge relief. But, if you’re someone who takes on too much responsibility, you might find yourself in relationships with people who are constantly dependent on you, and you end up doing everything for them. This doesn’t allow them to grow or learn, and it puts a lot of pressure on you.
Now, when you start setting boundaries, you might feel some guilt or shame. Anger might even come up. But remember, anger is just a feeling and it’s not inherently good or bad. It’s important to handle your emotions in a healthy way and make decisions from a place of strength, not defense or powerlessness.
Setting boundaries is a practice. It’s not something you’ll master overnight, especially if you have a history of trauma or struggle with anxiety. And don’t assume others will automatically respect your boundaries just because you say so. People need to see that your boundaries are non-negotiable, not just hear you say it. Just like with parenting, actions speak louder than words. Every time you let someone sway your boundary, you’re teaching them that your boundaries are flexible.
So, it’s up to you to learn how to set boundaries for yourself. If you’re feeling stuck in a situation, it’s easy to fall into a victim mentality and think “poor me, I can’t change this.” But that kind of thinking only brings negativity and won’t get you anywhere. We need to change the story we tell ourselves to feel better.
And finally, when you set a boundary, stick to it. Your “no” means no. Others can have whatever emotional response they want, but it’s not your concern. Your boundary is there to protect you and your well-being, and that’s all that matters.
“No” is a complete sentence.
Now, Let’s take a look at how these principles can be explored and applied in therapy*.
(*Disclaimer: The following conversation is completely fictional and created for educational purposes only. The content of this session is not based on any actual person, and no confidential or personal information is disclosed. This session should not be interpreted as real therapy or medical advice.)
Therapist: Hi, it’s great to see you today. Can you tell me a bit about what’s been going on for you lately?
Client: Hi, thank you for having me. I feel like I’m always overextending myself and taking on more than I can handle.
Therapist: I see. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are feeling overwhelmed. Can you tell me more about what that looks like in your daily life?
Client: Well, I always say yes to everything, even when I don’t have the time or energy. I feel guilty saying no and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I end up exhausted and stressed, and it’s affecting my mental health.
Therapist: That sounds tough. It’s okay to say no and it’s okay to prioritize your own needs. Can you see how setting boundaries could be beneficial for you in this situation?
Client: I guess so, but I don’t know how to do it. I feel like I’m always giving in to others and it’s hard to change that.
Therapist: That’s completely understandable. Setting boundaries is a process and it takes time and practice. But I’m here to support you and help you figure out what works best for you. Let’s start by exploring what your current boundaries are and what you want to change.
Client: Okay, let’s do that.
Therapist: Great. So, what are some situations where you feel like you’re overextending yourself?
Client: For example, I always work late, even when I have plans with my friends or family. I feel like I can’t say no to my boss.
Therapist: That’s a common struggle. But remember, you have control over your own time and you have the right to prioritize your own needs. What would it look like for you to set a boundary with your manager and protect your own time?
Client: I could try setting a specific time to leave work, even if it means leaving some tasks unfinished. I could also communicate my plans with my managers and make sure they’re aware of my boundaries.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s a great start. You’re teaching people how to treat you by the boundaries you set. When you consistently set a boundary and follow through with it, people will learn to respect your time and energy.
Client: That makes sense. I’ll try that.
Therapist: Excellent. Saying no is a practice. It takes time and repetition to get comfortable with it. But each time you say no, you’re strengthening your boundary-setting muscle. If you feel guilty or letting people down when setting boundaries, remember it’s okay, because you’re not responsible for others’ emotions or reactions, only your own.
Client: Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind.
Therapist: Of course. This is just the beginning, but you’re already making great progress. Let’s keep working on setting healthy boundaries and taking care of your emotional and mental well-being.
If you find yourself struggling with these issues and they have a negative impact on your life, it may be time to seek professional help in a supportive and safe environment. Please feel free to contact Dr. Fei Yi at drfeiyi@silkroadpsychology.com for more information about individual therapy.