Hello, I am Dr. Fei, and I would like to welcome you to my psychoeducation blog. Here, we delve into various topics related to mental health and wellbeing. Firstly, I want to recognize and commend your courage in beginning this journey of self-discovery and healing. It takes great bravery to confront our challenges and actively seek out support, and I am honored to have the chance to provide you with some insights and resources that may be of help.
Today we are going to talk about a topic that is very important – setting boundaries with difficult people. This can be a tricky thing to navigate, especially if you’re not used to standing up for yourself or if the other person has a strong personality. But trust me, it’s worth it in the end to set boundaries and protect your emotional wellbeing. In this post, I want to share some strategies that have worked for me and my clients when it comes to setting boundaries with difficult people.
First, it’s important to understand that setting boundaries is not about controlling the other person. It’s about taking control of your own life and being responsible for your own happiness. As Brene Brown says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” So, with that in mind, let’s dive into some strategies for setting boundaries with difficult people.
Know your limits
The first step in setting boundaries is to know your own limits. This means knowing what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. For example, if someone is constantly interrupting you when you speak, you might decide that your boundary is that you won’t engage in conversation with them until they can let you finish speaking.
Knowing your limits also means recognizing when you’re feeling drained or stressed by a person’s behavior. How do you know what your limits are? Pay attention to your body and your emotions closely, and do not let any discomfort or hesitation just flow by. An example of this might be if you have a roommate who always wants to go out and party with you, and you felt really torn and pressured whenever he asked you. After reflecting on your emotional reactions to his request, you realized that you really need to prioritize your sleep and health. You might set a boundary by saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t go out tonight. I need to take care of myself and get some rest.”
Say it clearly
Once you’ve identified your boundaries, the next step is to communicate them clearly and calmly to the other person. This can be especially difficult if the other person has a strong personality or if you’re feeling anxious or upset. But that’s okay, just remind yourself that you have a right to set boundaries despite how the other person might react.
When communicating your boundaries, try to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You always interrupt me when I speak,” you might say, “I feel disrespected when I’m not allowed to finish my thoughts. I would appreciate if you let me finish.” This way, you’re expressing how the other person’s behavior makes you feel, without attacking them.
Use empathy
Sometimes, setting boundaries can create tension or conflict in a relationship. This is where empathy and active listening can come in handy. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand why they might be behaving the way they are. This doesn’t mean that you have to accept their behavior, but it can help you approach the situation with more compassion and understanding.
Active listening is also an bonus skill to have when it comes to setting boundaries with pushy people. This means really hearing what the other person is saying and acknowledging their feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. For example, if a friend is upset because you’re setting boundaries around your time and energy, you might say, “I hear that you’re feeling upset and I understand that this is a change for both of us. But I need to take care of myself right now.”
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow,
what you stop, and what you reinforce.
Follow through on consequences
Finally, remember to follow through on any consequences you’ve set around your boundaries. This means being firm and consistent in your actions, even if it’s uncomfortable or difficult. For example, if you’ve set a boundary that you won’t engage in conversation with someone who is interrupting you, you need to stick to that boundary and disengage if they continue to interrupt.
Once you have set a boundary, be consistent in enforcing it. This will help the other person understand that you are serious about your boundary and help them to respect it. But if the other person continues to ignore or violate your boundaries, you need to communicate through your actions and teach them the consequences of not respecting your boundaries. It’s not about punishing the other person, but rather about standing up for yourself and ensuring that your needs are met.
For example, if a friend repeatedly shows up unannounced at your house, you might say something like, “I love spending time with you, but it’s not okay to come over without calling first. If you continue to do that, I won’t be able to invite you over anymore.” By setting these clear expectations, you are helping to create a healthier and more respectful relationship.
Setting boundaries with difficult people can be challenging, but it’s an important skill to develop for your emotional health and well-being. By learning to set boundaries in a clear, assertive, and respectful way, you can create healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life. Ironically, setting boundary and prioritizing is not going to ruin the relationship – in fact, it shows your strength and it will earn people’s respect.
If you find yourself struggling with these issues and they have a negative impact on your life, it may be time to seek professional help in a supportive and safe environment. Please feel free to contact Dr. Fei Yi at drfeiyi@silkroadpsychology.com for more information about individual therapy.