Hello, I am Dr. Fei, and I would like to welcome you to my psychoeducation blog. Here, we delve into various topics related to mental health and wellbeing. Firstly, I want to recognize and commend your courage in beginning this journey of self-discovery and healing. It takes great bravery to confront our challenges and actively seek out support, and I am honored to have the chance to provide you with some insights and resources that may be of help.
Have you ever set a boundary with someone, only to be met with pushback or negative reactions? It’s not an easy situation to navigate, and it can leave you feeling frustrated, hurt, and unsure of how to proceed. As someone who has struggled with boundary-setting in the past, I can attest to how difficult it can be when someone reacts negatively to a boundary you have set. But here’s the thing: just because someone reacts negatively doesn’t mean your boundary was wrong or unjustified. In fact, it often means the opposite. Setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-respect, and it’s important to stick to your guns even in the face of pushback. But how do you do that? In this post, I’ll be sharing some strategies for responding to pushback or negative reactions when setting boundaries, so you can stand firm in your self-care while also maintaining healthy relationships with others.
- Deflecting: Sometimes, when you set a boundary, the other person may try to push back or argue with you. In this case, it can be helpful to deflect their response by changing the subject or redirecting the conversation. For example, if you tell a coworker that you won’t be able to work late, and they respond by saying, “But we really need you to stay and finish this project,” you could respond with, “I understand that the project is important, but I won’t be able to work late tonight. Have you talked to anyone else about helping out?”
- Staying firm: When someone is pushing back against your boundaries, it can be tempting to give in or compromise. However, it’s important to stay firm and stick to your boundaries. You can do this by repeating your boundary and staying calm and assertive. For example, if you tell a friend that you won’t be able to lend them money, and they respond by saying, “Come on, just this once,” you could respond with, “I’m sorry, but I’m not able to lend you money right now.”
- Offering alternatives: Sometimes, when you set a boundary, the other person may feel upset or hurt. In this case, it can be helpful to offer alternative options or solutions. For example, if you tell a family member that you won’t be able to attend a family gathering, and they respond by saying, “But we really want you to be there,” you could respond with, “I’m sorry that I won’t be able to make it. Would it be possible for us to plan a separate visit another time?”
- Compromise: While it’s important to stay firm in your boundaries, sometimes it may be possible to find a compromise that works for both parties. In this case, it’s important to communicate openly and honestly with the other person, and be willing to listen to their perspective as well. For example, if you tell a partner that you won’t be able to make dinner tonight, and they respond by saying, “But I was really looking forward to spending time with you,” you could respond with, “I understand that, but I need to take some time for myself tonight. How about we plan a special date night this weekend instead?”
The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.
| Scenarios | Strategy | Possible Statements |
|---|---|---|
| Someone is trying to persuade you to change your mind | Strategy: Deflecting | “Thank you for your input. However, my decision is final.” |
| Someone is insulting you for setting a boundary | Strategy: Staying Firm | “I understand that you may not agree with me, but I need to prioritize my own needs in this situation.” |
| Someone is guilt-tripping you to make you change your boundary | Strategy: Using “I” statements | “I understand that you may be disappointed, but I need to do what’s best for me right now.” |
| Someone is using threats or ultimatums to force you to change your boundary | Strategy: Enforcing Consequences | “I understand that you may feel strongly about this, but if you continue to threaten me, I will have to end this conversation.” |
| Someone is gaslighting you or trying to make you doubt your own decision | Strategy: Delayed Response | “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve made my decision. I’m going to take some time to think about this and talk to my therapist or support system.” |
You can read more about boundary setting skills in previous posts here and here.
If you find yourself struggling with these issues and they have a negative impact on your life, it may be time to seek professional help in a supportive and safe environment. Please feel free to contact Dr. Fei Yi at drfeiyi@silkroadpsychology.com for more information about individual therapy.