Hi, I’m Dr. Fei. Welcome to my psychoeducation blog, where we explore topics related to mental health and wellbeing. I want to start by acknowledging your courage to embark on this journey of self-discovery and healing. It takes bravery to confront our challenges and seek out support, and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to share some insights and resources with you.
Today’s topic is going to be a little bit challenging or perhaps even triggering for some, but I want to give it a try because it’s such an important yet less talked about. When you read it, I hope you keep an open mind and hear me out.
Being a Victim is Giving away Your Power
As a therapist, I often see clients who feel like they are at the mercy of other people’s actions and words, like they have no control over their own emotions. Their stories were filled with words like, “I had no choice…”, “I have to do this”, “Other people just never get me”, “I always have bad luck”… It saddens me deeply to see people feel like they are victims of others or fate itself, without having their own voice or personal agency.
But the truth is, no one can make you feel anything. Your feelings come from your past experiences and the meaning you’ve made from them. You have buttons or triggers in your nervous system that have been developed, positive or negative triggers that largely come from past experiences and the meaning you’ve made from them. Your brain only feels what it already knows how to feel.
Let me explain using the example of love. So here’s what I’ve learned about feeling loved. In order to truly feel loved, we need to be able to generate that feeling on our own before anyone else can influence it. I’ve found that a lot of people who struggle with feeling loved also struggle with things like depression, anxiety, or trauma. It can be especially tough for those of us who grew up in abusive households, where we might not even have a reference point for what love really is.
That said, I still believe that taking loving actions towards others can be incredibly important. Not only does it help generate positive feelings within ourselves, but it also teaches others what love can look like and can inspire loving behavior in others. However, inspiring others is not the same as being responsible for their feelings. They still have a choice in how they want to feel about themselves and their lives.
Okay, so this knowledge is crucial. Bear with me. This knowledge can be relieving because it means you don’t have the responsibility for how another person feels. If you feel like others are making you feel bad, it’s a huge opportunity to get your power back by realizing you can’t change people or control what they say or do, but you can control your response to it and how you think about the words they say or the actions they take. People can’t affect you unless you give them the consent to do so.
This goes both ways. When you feel activated (e.g., angry, hurt, sad) by what other people did to you, pause and think, what is being brought up in me right now? Why do I feel this way towards them? Did I already feel somewhat like this even before they did this to me? How did my past experiences added layers or amplified my reaction to them?
These are important questions to ask ourselves, because there’s no good trapping into a complete victim mentality. If we feel we are merely victims at the mercy of other’s action, no good comes out of that. The victim mentality is a self-limiting belief, and it holds us back from living our life the way we want.
The Victim Mentality and Why It’s Bad for You
The victim mentality is like wearing a pair of dark sunglasses that block out the light. You can’t see the beauty of the world around you because you’re stuck in your own negative mindset. When we adopt the victim mentality, we give away our power and control over our own lives. We blame others for our problems and we believe that we’re helpless to change our situation. But the truth is that we always have a choice in how we react to our circumstances.
Let’s take an example of a person who’s been laid off from their job. They could choose to see this as an opportunity for growth and change. They could use this as a chance to explore new career paths or start their own business. Or they could choose to feel like a victim all day, blame their former employer for their situation, and losing faith in all future corporations. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying the other party is not at fault, or that you shouldn’t get angry. It’s okay to feel angry and even righteously so, but it’s not going to be very helpful if we become indulged in self-pity and blaming. We cannot afford time for that. We need to spend all our precious time on living a life we want and deserve.
Nobody can make you feel anything. Period.
As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how this applies to clients who have experienced childhood trauma. There is a period of time in the healing process where you grieve, blame, and feel angry about your experiences. This is a necessary part of the healing process. You have to be honest about your feelings and experience to move through it. But at some point, you have to take responsibility for your own feelings and work through them, so you don’t stay in a rhythm of always feeling victimized by other people’s comments or actions.
Another example is a person who’s been in a toxic relationship. They could choose to take responsibility for their own feelings and realize that they’re not responsible for their partner’s behavior. They could seek help and support to move on from the relationship and learn from the experience. Or they could continue to tell themselves that they are a victim and blame their partner for all of their problems. By doing so, they’re giving away their power and staying stuck in a negative cycle.
So the key takeaway message is, our feelings and emotions are our own responsibility. No one else can make us feel a certain way without our consent. This is a difficult idea to swallow, I know. But when we start taking responsibility for our own feelings, we can empower ourselves to create positive change in our lives. It’s like taking off those dark sunglasses and allowing the light to shine through.
If you’re stuck in a habit loop of blaming others for your feelings, it’s time to take responsibility for them. Blaming others actually puts our emotions and brains in a powerless place because we’re admitting we don’t have any control or power over ourselves or our circumstances. We’re giving our power away to someone else. Instead, we need to teach our brain that we are actually in control, and we can take responsibility for our own feelings and work through them.
The Story of John
One client that comes to mind is John*, a man in his late 20s who came to therapy struggling with feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness. John had grown up in a household where he witnessed his parents constantly arguing and belittling each other. As a result, he had developed a belief that he was inherently flawed and incapable of making good decisions.
In therapy, John worked to understand the impact of his childhood experiences on his current beliefs and behaviors. He came to realize that he had been operating from a victim mentality, always blaming his past for his current struggles and feeling powerless to change them.
Through therapy, John began to take ownership of his own stuff and recognize that he had the power to make different choices for his future. He worked on developing self-compassion and challenging his negative self-talk. He also began to set clear goals for himself and take action towards achieving them.
One of the biggest turning points for John was when he decided to enroll in college, despite feeling scared and uncertain about his ability to succeed. He recognized that he had been holding himself back out of fear and self-doubt, and he was ready to take a leap of faith and see what he was capable of. While he still faced challenges and setbacks along the way, he now had the resilience and self-belief to face them head-on and keep moving forward.
Remember, you have the power to control your own emotions and work through them. Inspire others with loving actions, but don’t take responsibility for how they feel. It’s time to take your power back and so that you can start living your own life.
*Disclaimer: The clients mentioned in this post are fictional and created solely for educational purposes. While their experiences may be relatable to some readers, they are not meant to represent any specific individuals or situations. The information provided in this post is intended to be educational and not a substitute for professional advice or treatment.
If you find yourself struggle with these issues, and they impact your life negatively, you need professional help in a supportive and safe environment to teach our brain healthier coping mechanisms. Please feel free to contact Dr. Fei at drfeiyi@silkroadpsychology.com for more information about individual therapy.