Welcome to my psychoeducation blog, where we explore topics related to mental health and wellbeing. I want to start by acknowledging your courage to embark on this journey of self-discovery and healing. It takes bravery to confront our challenges and seek out support, and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to offer guidance and resources to you.
So, my fellow perfectionists and overachievers, let’s talk about failure today. This is something that is often overlooked in the world of self-improvement: embracing failure. I know it sounds scary, but hear me out. Failure can be a teacher, a friend, and something that can take you to the next level, instead of being something that keeps you stuck in shame and blame.
As someone who used to struggle with perfectionism, I understand how overwhelming it can be to feel like everything needs to be perfect. But that kind of mindset can actually make your anxiety worse, not better. That’s why it’s important to ask yourself some questions when you find yourself in that headspace. Why is this thing important to you? What meaning have you attached to it? And what is the most realistic action plan to go from here? The key word here is realistic, not perfect.
Perfectionism -> Failure
As we’ve talked about perfectionism in a previous post, perfectionism can be a coping mechanism for people who run high on anxiety. We channel all our anxious energy into doing things or producing things, resulting in a perfectionistic mindset. But it’s important to get a hold on this because it can actually make your anxiety worse, not better.
When we view everything as a life or death situation, our survival mechanisms kick in, and it’s difficult to enjoy the journey. Failure is your greatest teacher because it can make you an incredibly resilient human. So what about reframing what failure means to you? Failure is not a destination, it’s not a life sentence, and it most certainly is not the end of the world. Instead, it’s a learning opportunity, a chance for you to refine, sharpen, and grow. What do you think about that?
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
– Nelson Mandela
Now, I’d like to delve a bit deeper here because sometimes, certain negative thoughts cannot be easily switched off or replaced by the practice of reframing or positive thinking.
History of Trauma
If you have a history of trauma or relational pain, failure may be a little more tricky to overcome. This is because trauma can have a profound impact on how we perceive and cope with failure. Our past experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world, and if we’ve experienced trauma, it can create a deep-seated fear of failure that is hard to shake.
For example, if you grew up in an environment where failure was met with punishment or abandonment, you may have learned to equate failure with danger. This can create a constant sense of anxiety and hypervigilance around anything that feels like a potential failure. You may overcompensate by striving for perfection in everything you do, or avoiding any situation that could lead to failure altogether.
This kind of overcompensation is a defense mechanism that helps you feel safe in the short term, but ultimately keeps you stuck in a cycle of anxiety and avoidance. It can be difficult to break free from this pattern, and if this was your case, I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist, so that you can get some professional help in this healing process.
Coping Strategies
With that being said, there are still some effective strategies and tools to help you get started with this healing journey. Here’re what I personally found very helpful:
One approach is cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT helps you identify and challenge negative thought patterns and beliefs that contribute to anxiety and avoidance. It can also teach you practical skills for managing anxiety in the moment, such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and cognitive restructuring. (see more about CBT skills in a previous blog post here)
Another powerful approach of overcoming fear of failure is self-compassion. When we’re constantly striving for perfection, we often beat ourselves up when we fall short. But self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a good friend. This can be difficult for people with a history of trauma, as self-compassion can feel vulnerable and scary. But with practice, it can become a powerful tool for healing and growth.
Finally, the most important thing I learned about embracing failure is the growth mindset: A growth mindset is the belief that your abilities and intelligence can be developed and improved over time. When it comes to fear of failure, having a growth mindset can be incredibly helpful. People with a growth mindset tend to see failure as an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than as a personal flaw or indictment of their abilities. On the other hand, those with a fixed mindset tend to believe that their abilities are set in stone, and view failure as evidence that they simply aren’t good enough. This can make it difficult to take risks or try new things, because the fear of failure is so great. By cultivating a growth mindset and embracing the idea that failure is a necessary part of growth and learning, it’s possible to approach challenges with more confidence and resilience.
Success is not the absence of failure, but the ability to persevere and learn from setbacks. So, if you struggle with fear of failure, I encourage you to try some of the strategies we’ve discussed, starting today! By embracing failure as a natural part of the learning process, you can unlock your full potential and achieve your goals.