Hi, I’m Dr. Fei. Welcome to my psychoeducation blog, where we explore various topics related to mental health, personal growth, and relationships. Today, I want to talk about a difficult and often painful topic: Attachment trauma and toxic relationships.
First, let me start by saying that if you are someone who repeat the same pattern in relationships and attract the same type of people, you are not alone. This is called trauma re-enactment. It’s a common pattern that many people experience, and it can feel overwhelming and frustrating to break out of this cycle. But it is possible to heal and grow, and I hope this blog post can provide some insight and strategies to help you along the way.
Trauma Re-enactment
So, what do we mean by re-enacting trauma in adult relationships? Essentially, it means repeating patterns from our past that were formed in response to traumatic experiences, and projecting them onto our current relationships. These patterns can take many forms, such as choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, repeating the same arguments or fights, or feeling triggered by certain behaviors or actions.
One of the key factors in re-enacting trauma is our attachment style, which is formed in childhood based on our experiences with caregivers. If we grew up with caregivers who were inconsistent or unresponsive, we may develop an anxious attachment style, which can lead to a fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance in our adult relationships. Alternatively, if we grew up with caregivers who were emotionally distant or neglectful, we may develop an avoidant attachment style, which can lead to a fear of intimacy and a tendency to push people away.
Another factor that can contribute to re-enacting trauma is our beliefs about ourselves and others. If we believe that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy of love, we may unconsciously seek out partners who reinforce these beliefs by treating us poorly or rejecting us. Alternatively, if we believe that others are unreliable or untrustworthy, we may project these beliefs onto our partners and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Trauma can have a profound impact on our brain and how we relate to others in our adult lives. When we experience trauma, our brain may try to resolve it by seeking out similar experiences or relationships that trigger those same feelings and emotions. This can lead to a pattern of trauma reenactment in our relationships, whether they be romantic, friendships, or work relationships. It’s like our brain is trying to find a solution to a problem it doesn’t fully understand. Our brain likes “closure” and it keeps trying to “close the chapter”.
The problem is that trauma reenactment never ends well. It can keep us stuck in the past and prevent us from creating healthier relationships in the present. The good news is that healing the original trauma in therapy can help us break free from these patterns. When we heal the wound, our brain stops seeking out those familiar but toxic relationships. We become attracted to different types of people and scenarios because we are no longer trying to solve an old problem. We learn to stay present in the moment, using our logical brain to navigate our relationships instead of getting stuck in our emotions. This doesn’t mean we have to have all the answers or be perfect, but it does mean that we can approach life from a place of self-awareness and self-compassion.
The first step towards healing is acknowledging the wounds exist. From there, the possibilities for growth are endless.
Healing from Relational Trauma
Healing our relationship patterns can have a profound impact on our mental and emotional wellbeing, as well as our physical health. It’s time to break down the stigma around mental health and recognize that we are one whole being, with all our different parts serving a purpose. When we embrace this, we can begin to heal our wounds and move forward with more hope and joy in our lives.
So how can we break out of these patterns and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships? One approach is to develop a growth mindset, which involves seeing challenges and setbacks as opportunities for learning and growth. This can help us to reframe our experiences and view them in a more positive light, rather than getting stuck in negative patterns.
For example, if we find ourselves repeatedly choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, we can start to explore why this might be happening and what we can do differently. Perhaps we need to work on our own attachment style and learn to be more comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability. Or perhaps we need to set clearer boundaries and communicate our needs more effectively.
Another strategy for breaking out of these patterns is to seek out therapy or other forms of support. A skilled therapist can help us to identify the underlying causes of our re-enactment patterns and provide tools and strategies for healing and growth. Group therapy or support groups can also be helpful, as they provide a sense of community and connection with others who are going through similar experiences.
In my own life, I have struggled with re-enacting trauma in my relationships. For many years, I found myself attracted to partners who were emotionally unavailable and would end up feeling rejected and abandoned. It wasn’t until I started working with a therapist and doing my own inner work that I was able to break out of these patterns and create healthier relationships. I learned to identify my own attachment style and work on developing a more secure sense of self. I also learned to set clearer boundaries and communicate my needs more effectively, which helped me to attract partners who were more emotionally available and supportive.
4 Attachment Styles
For the curious ones, here are more information about the four attachment styles:
Attachment theory proposes that early childhood experiences shape the way we form relationships throughout our lives. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious/preoccupied, dismissive/avoidant, and fearful/avoidant. Here are some examples of how individuals with each attachment style might react to everyday situations:
| Attachment Style* | Definition | Everyday Example | Typical Reaction |
|---|---|---|---|
| Secure | Securely attached individuals have positive views of themselves and others. They are comfortable with intimacy and seek out social support. | A child with a secure attachment style happily explores their environment, occasionally returning to their caregiver for comfort. | Secure individuals seek comfort and support when needed, but are also able to be independent and self-sufficient. |
| Anxious-Preoccupied | Anxious-preoccupied individuals have negative views of themselves and positive views of others. They desire closeness and intimacy, but often doubt their worthiness of love and attention. | A person with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style may constantly seek reassurance from their partner, worrying about their partner’s level of commitment. | Anxious-preoccupied individuals may become overly dependent on their partner and have a tendency to cling, becoming overly needy or demanding. |
| Dismissive-Avoidant | Dismissive-avoidant individuals have positive views of themselves, but negative views of others. They value independence and self-sufficiency over intimacy and close relationships. | A person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may distance themselves from their partner, preferring to keep emotional distance in relationships. | Dismissive-avoidant individuals may struggle with emotional intimacy and have a tendency to suppress or deny their feelings. |
| Fearful-Avoidant | Fearful-avoidant individuals have negative views of both themselves and others. They desire closeness and intimacy, but often feel unworthy of love and attention. | A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may feel torn between wanting to be close to their partner and being afraid of rejection or abandonment. | Fearful-avoidant individuals may become overwhelmed by the emotions of a relationship and struggle to cope, often pushing their partner away or becoming emotionally distant. |
*A note: these attachment styles are not fixed and can change over time, as individuals gain new experiences and develop new coping strategies.
Understanding your own attachment style can help you identify patterns in your relationships and develop strategies for healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.