Hi, I’m Dr. Fei. Welcome to my psychoeducation blog, where we explore topics related to mental health and wellbeing. I want to start by acknowledging your courage to embark on this journey of self-discovery and healing. It takes bravery to confront our challenges and seek out support, and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to offer guidance and resources to you.
Today we are going to talk about a very interesting and important topic: self-love
In my years of clinical work with clients, it saddens me to see that many talented and kind people do not love themselves enough. As human beings, we can be our own worst critics. We question and second-guess ourselves relentlessly, even when we are contributing positively to society. The truth is, we all need to learn to love ourselves. There is a huge difference between self-love and being self-involved or self-absorbed. We need to set the record straight on what self-love actually is, and what being self-involved actually means. When we can separate these things out, it opens up an opportunity for us to have a healthy sense of self-esteem, a healthy sense of confidence, and a healthy sense of self-worth, when we’re able to really embrace what self-love actually means.
Why we don’t love ourselves?
There are many reasons why we find it difficult to love themselves. Some may have been told that they were selfish as a child, and as a way to resolve that painful feeling, they have gone the opposite direction and are no longer interested in loving themselves because they don’t want to be perceived as selfish. Others may have had a parent or caregiver who was selfish, and they learned to detest that kind of behavior. They may have decided to be nothing like that and gone completely the other way. Still, others may have had traumatic experiences that made them turn against themselves in a self-saboteur self-hatred kind of way. Whatever the reason may be, it is essential to understand the root cause of why we don’t love ourselves.
As someone grew up in an Asian culture, I can personally attest to the fact that self-love and self-care were not often encouraged in my culture. The emphasis was always on putting others first and sacrificing your own needs and desires for the sake of the family or community. I was taught to be humble and not draw attention to myself, to always defer to others and not assert my own opinions or wants. This mindset was so deeply ingrained in me that it took a lot of work to undo and learn to prioritize my own well-being and happiness. But as I began to practice self-love and self-care, I realized how much it positively impacted not just my own life, but also those around me. When we love ourselves, we are better equipped to love and care for others in a healthy and sustainable way.
One reason why we don’t love ourselves is that we may have an anxious brain. Anxiety creates loops of thoughts that put everything we’ve done wrong or everything we’re second-guessing or everything we’re worried about that could go wrong on repeat. If you have an anxious brain, chances are it’s difficult to feel loved because your anxiety is so high, it almost works as a wall. That’s why it’s essential to calm your anxious brain to step into the truth and reality that you are lovable.
Another reason is that we may have been socially, culturally, or spiritually conditioned that self-hate is a virtue. We need to blast that one right out of the stratosphere. It is not a virtue to hate yourself because hate breeds hate. If you don’t like yourself, how are you going to show love to another person? It’s just not how human behavior works. We have to learn to have a healthy balance perspective of self-worth; otherwise, we run the risk of carrying all this resentment and anger, and it shows up as judgmental, critical, and unkind behavior, whether or not we intend it.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
How to start loving yourself
However, as an adult, we can learn to love ourselves. It is a skill. And like any other skills, we just need to learn and practice it. One way to do this is by treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and understanding that we would show to a good friend. We can start by being more compassionate and understanding of our own mistakes and weaknesses. Instead of criticizing ourselves for not being perfect, we can remind ourselves that perfection is an unattainable goal, and that making mistakes is part of the human experience.
We can also practice gratitude for ourselves. We tend to be good at recognizing and being grateful for the good things that happen to us, but we often forget to be grateful for ourselves. We can start by acknowledging our strengths, talents, and accomplishments, and reminding ourselves of the positive impact we have on the world.
One of the most effective tools my clients find helpful is called the Gratitude Journal. A gratitude journal is a tool used to cultivate a mindset of gratitude by regularly writing down things you are thankful for in your life. It can be done daily or weekly, and usually involves writing down a list of things you are grateful for, along with any associated feelings or reflections. The practice of gratitude journaling has been shown to have numerous benefits for mental health, including increased happiness, optimism, and overall well-being.
The Gratitude Journal
It’s easy to do! Here’s how you can create a habit of writing a gratitude journal:
- Set aside a specific time each day to write in your gratitude journal. This could be in the morning before you start your day, in the evening before bed, or during a lunch break.
- Choose a notebook or journal to use specifically for your gratitude journal. It can be a simple notebook or a decorative journal or an smartphone app, whatever works for you.
- Write down 3-5 things that you are grateful for each day. These can be big or small things, anything that brings you joy or happiness.
- Be specific about what you are grateful for. Instead of just saying “I’m grateful for my friends,” write down “I’m grateful for my friend Jane who always makes me laugh.”
- Here’s a sample gratitude journal with some writing prompts to help you generate some ideas:
| Time/Date | Prompts | Example Entry |
|---|---|---|
| Monday | What made you smile today? | Seeing a beautiful sunrise while on my morning walk |
| What are you grateful for in your life right now? | Having a supportive partner who loves me unconditionally | |
| What progress did you make towards your goals today? | Completed 30 minutes of exercise | |
| Tuesday | Who are you thankful for in your life and why? | Thankful for my parents who always support and encourage me |
| What positive experience did you have today? | Had a great meeting with my team and received positive feedback | |
| What small joy did you experience today? | Enjoyed a delicious cup of coffee this morning | |
| Wednesday | What is one thing you appreciate about your home? | Grateful for the cozy and comfortable bed that I sleep in |
| What made you feel loved and appreciated today? | Received a kind and thoughtful message from a friend | |
| What made you feel proud of yourself today? | Successfully completed a challenging task at work |