Hi, I’m Dr. Fei. Welcome to my psychoeducation blog, where we explore topics related to mental health and wellbeing. I want to start by acknowledging your courage to embark on this journey of self-discovery and healing. It takes bravery to confront our challenges and seek out support, and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to offer guidance and resources to you.
Today, I want to talk about a topic that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately: why we are stuck with the people-pleasing tendency. I think many of us can relate to being people-pleasers at some point in our lives. We want to be liked, we want to be accepted, and we want to avoid conflict. But when does people-pleasing become a problem? And why do some of us struggle with it more than others? Well, my friends, I believe it all comes down to our attachment styles and the trauma we may have experienced in our past.
Let’s start by defining what people-pleasing is. People-pleasing is when we prioritize the needs and wants of others over our own. We go out of our way to make others happy, often at the expense of our own well-being. We say “yes” to everything, even when we don’t want to, because we’re afraid of disappointing others or being rejected. People-pleasing can manifest in many different ways, such as constantly apologizing, avoiding conflict, or feeling guilty when we can’t meet someone’s expectations.
Have you ever wondered why some people struggle more than others with people-pleasing? The answer lies in our attachment styles and past traumas. Our attachment style refers to how we relate to others, formed in early childhood through our interactions with primary caregivers. A secure attachment style fosters healthy relationships, while insecure attachment styles lead to difficulties in relationships. People who struggle with people-pleasing often have an anxious attachment style, which stems from early traumatic experiences with caregivers or significant others. For example, a child who grew up with an inconsistent caregiver may develop an anxious attachment style and seek validation and approval from others. Despite their endless effort of making others happy, deep down they do not have faith in other people, have a fear of abandonment, and have difficulty forming close relationships.
Anne’s Life Story
I have a close friend, Anne, who struggles with people-pleasing and attachment trauma. With her consent, let me share with you her life story. She grew up in a household where she felt like she had to take care of her parents emotionally, particularly with a mother who was often critical of her. Her parents had their own trauma and difficulties, and she felt like she had to be the only responsible one. She learned that the only way to feel loved and appreciated was to put her own needs and feelings aside and take care of others. This pattern continued into her adult life, where she would go above and beyond to make others happy, often at the expense of her own well-being.
Let me give you a few examples to help illustrate the point. Whenever her friends had a problem or were feeling down, she would drop everything to be there for them. She would spend hours on the phone with them, even if it meant sacrificing her own plans or work. She would give them endless advice, always trying to fix their problems for them.
At work, she was always the first to volunteer for any project or task, no matter how busy she already was. She would stay late or come in early just to get everything done perfectly. She was afraid of letting others down, and even more afraid of being seen as incapable or lazy.
In her personal relationships, she would bend over backwards to please her partners. She would always put their needs first, even if it meant sacrificing her own wants and needs. She was afraid of being alone, so she would do anything to make sure her partner stayed with her.
And whenever she was around others, she would put on a brave face and never show any negative emotions. She was always the happy one, the one who had it all together. She was afraid of being seen as weak or vulnerable, so she never let anyone see the real struggles she was going through. It’s been a long journey for her to learn how to prioritize her own needs and to say “no” when necessary.
When you say ‘yes’ to others,
make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.
Let me tell you this, my friend’s story is unfortunately not uncommon.
For those of us with an insecure attachment style, people-pleasing can be a way to cope with the fear of rejection and abandonment. We learned at a young age that if we didn’t please our caregivers, we may not receive the love and attention we needed. This fear of not being loved or accepted can carry over into our adult relationships and cause us to prioritize the needs of others over our own. We may feel like we have to earn love and approval through our actions and behaviors. But in reality, it only leads to burnout, resentment, and a never-ending cycle of trying to please others at the expense of our own well-being.
How to Break Free from People-pleasing?
So, how can we start to break free from people-pleasing and heal our attachment trauma? The first step is to become aware of our patterns and behaviors. We can start by asking ourselves why we’re saying “yes” to something, and if it’s because we genuinely want to do it or because we’re afraid of the consequences of saying “no.” We can also pay attention to the physical and emotional signs that we’re feeling overwhelmed or resentful, and take a step back to assess our boundaries.
Another important step is to work on our self-worth and self-love. When we love and value ourselves, we’re less likely to prioritize the needs of others over our own. We can start by practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and speaking kindly to ourselves. We can also work on communicating effectively and assertively to earn respect and trust. I wrote more about these topics and tips in my previous posts, and please feel free follow the link (words in blue) in this paragraph to check them out.
People-pleasing can be a challenging and complex behavior to overcome, but it is possible with the right support and understanding. By recognizing the role that attachment trauma and our past experiences play in shaping our behaviors, we can begin to make positive changes in how we relate to others and ourselves. By learning to value ourselves and our needs, we can break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships. So let us all strive to live authentically, without fear of judgment or rejection, and embrace the unique and beautiful individuals that we are.