Hi, I’m Dr. Fei. Welcome to my psychoeducation blog, where we explore topics related to mental health and wellbeing. I want to start by acknowledging your courage to embark on this journey of self-discovery and healing. It takes bravery to confront our challenges and seek out support, and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to offer guidance and resources to you.
As human beings, we have basic rights that we should all be aware of, especially when it comes to being assertive. Being assertive means that you have the right to express yourself freely without disrespecting others. It means that you have the right to ask for what you want, say “no” without feeling guilty, and be treated with respect. Unfortunately, many people struggle with being assertive and often find themselves in situations where they feel powerless. In this blog post, I want to share with you some of my personal experiences and the lessons I’ve learned about being assertive.
A Personal Testimony
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that being assertive doesn’t mean you’re being rude or selfish. It’s simply about standing up for yourself and your rights. For years, I struggled with saying “no” to people, even when I knew it would negatively impact me. I was so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or disappointing them that I would often put my own needs and wants on the back burner. This led to a lot of resentment and feelings of being taken for granted.
It wasn’t until I started practicing assertiveness that I realized how liberating it could be. I started by reminding myself of my rights, such as the right to ask for what I want and the right to say “no” without feeling guilty. I started using “I” statements, like “I would prefer to…” or “I need to…” instead of apologizing or making excuses for my feelings and desires.
For example, I had a friend who would often ask me to do things for her, like give her a ride to places or run errands for her. At first, I would always say “yes” because I didn’t want to let her down and I care about our friendship. But eventually, I realized that I was sacrificing my own time and energy for her needs. So I started reading books about assertiveness (e.g., “When I say no, I feel guilty” by Manuel Smith), and I learned to say things like, “I would love to help, but I can’t this time because I have other commitments that I need to prioritize.” It wasn’t always easy, but it felt empowering to stand up for myself and my needs.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Another important aspect of being assertive is learning to deal with the consequences of your decisions. This means that sometimes, you may not get what you want, or people may react negatively to your assertiveness. And that’s okay. In those situations, we just need to remind ourselves that we are not responsible for other people’s reactions. And despite of how they react, it is my ultimate responsibility to practice assertiveness and prioritize my needs. Just like any other skills, the more you practice being assertive, the more confident and empowered you’ll become.
Of course, being assertive can be difficult if you’ve experienced trauma or have low self-esteem. It can be challenging to stand up for yourself when you feel like you don’t deserve to be heard or respected. In these cases, I suggest that you seek out support from a therapist who can help you work through these issues.
I would like to share with you that what helped me most is the following “Assertive Bill of Rights”. I would recommend reading it out loud to yourself everyday and let those positive messages sink in and rewire your mind. I also included some explanations in brackets for each bullet point to make it more applicable. Here we go:
Assertive “Bill of Rights”
The following rights highlight the freedom you have to be yourself without disrespecting others. The right to have and express your own feelings and opinions appropriately and have them taken seriously by others.
• The right to ask for what you want. (You have the right to request what you need or want, and it is okay to express your desires. For instance, you can request time off work for a personal matter, ask for help with a task that is challenging, or ask for a promotion or raise that you think you deserve.)
• The right to say “no” without feeling guilty. (you have the right to decline requests or invitations without feeling guilty or obligated. Saying “no” is a valid response when you need to prioritize your own needs or when you are not comfortable with something. You can say “no” to a work task that you don’t have the capacity to handle or a social invitation that you are not interested in attending.)
• The right to be treated with respect and not be taken for granted. (You have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, and not taken for granted. People should acknowledge your worth and appreciate your contributions. You should be respected in your personal and professional relationships, and your efforts should not be overlooked or undervalued.)
• The right to offer no reasons or excuses. (You have the right to make decisions without having to justify or explain them. You do not need to make excuses or provide reasons for your choices. For example, if you decide to decline a social invitation, you do not need to provide a reason for why you can’t attend.)
• The right to set your own priorities. (You have the right to set your own priorities and establish your own goals. You should be able to determine what is important to you and allocate your time and resources accordingly.)
• The right to make mistakes. (You shouldn’t be ashamed for making mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of the learning process, and they should not be a source of shame or guilt. Instead, they should be seen as opportunities for growth and development. )
• The right to change your mind. (You have the right to change your mind and modify your decisions. It is okay to reconsider your options and make a different choice. This could mean unable to deliver a promise, changing your mind about a personal relationship, or altering a decision about a major life event.)
• The right to make your own decisions and deal with the consequences. (You should be able to make choices that are consistent with your values and beliefs, and take responsibility for the outcomes.)
• The right to choose not to assert yourself. (You have the right to decide whether or not to assert yourself in any given situation. It is okay to choose not to speak up or advocate for yourself if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. This is a personal decision that should be respected by others.)
Being assertive is not about being rude or selfish. It’s about standing up for yourself and your rights in a respectful way. By reminding yourself of your rights and practicing assertiveness, you can learn to prioritize your own needs and become more confident and empowered. You deserve to be heard and respected, so don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself!